You have a four-year-old, a two-year-old, and a little baby, eh? Or something like that? I have a little pep talk for you if you feel conflicted about needing to do some work in your home but not wanting to be a mean mom who doesn’t play with her kids. You’re getting exhausted and life might not feel like it’s fun right now, because you feel guilty.
You are entering a new stage. You really have to run your home — who will do it if you don’t?
Your children need to learn to play without you. Being efficient in your housework and seeing it as your work is a positive good and you should not feel guilty about it.
In a well ordered home, children fit into family life and its workings — this is good for them. It’s actually not healthy for them to feel that you are at their beck and call. Don’t absorb advice from every source; hone your observation and note a certain anxiety, a lack of peace, in families where the mother sees herself as recreation director and child-appeaser rather than house-keeper, maker of the home.
Children — love them! — are opportunistic; they never settle down if they think mom will come running and doesn’t have other things to do than to play with them. Many interpret this dynamic to mean that mother should work outside the home, but being beholden to an outside entity is not good either. You want to be available and devoted, but not to the children per se — to the home, to your husband, and to the whole enterprise, into which they must fit — for their own good.
You can navigate this stage you with littles if it’s got you off kilter by treating it as a bit of a challenge, like a difficult course where you just have to put the work in for a few weeks. Maybe you need to figure out your particular child’s play style, to do what you can to facilitate it.
Believe me, it’s a joy when children can play on their own without your involvement. But some have to learn to do it. Some children really do need to be shown how to play with their little dolls or trucks or play kitchen, some need to discover outside play without someone hovering, some can’t figure out how to settle down to drawing, and so on. This process can involve a little pain, a little crying, a bit of sitting there moping and scowling — and the kids will find it tough too… Just kidding. Stay cheerful and offer the occasional outright bribe. Soon you will win through.
At this age, they won’t really spend much time on any one activity — hang in there, because soon enough they will be old enough to have a concentration level (and the younger ones will get the hang of it from the older ones as your family grows). Keep working on it. This time is a process and it’s a bit rough — it’s the same sort of developmental stage as the postpartum time. Remember that? Remember how impossible it sometimes seemed?
It may take weeks to discover your new rhythm and how to achieve it, but you are the one to do it, to show them how to play together without your constant presence.
The key is to have your day divided into different blocks so that they build habits of turning from one activity to another without a crisis.
Of course, several times a day you collect them to read them a story – nursing the baby is the perfect time — or have them sit with you in the kitchen while you work on a meal. You need a rest too, and cuddles with undivided attention come naturally at those pauses. When your work is orderly, there will actually be more (guilt-free) time for individual attention, not less!
When you are tidying up, you can give them a task or two and you might find that they prefer to play — the wise mother will let these young children do so, to reinforce that very habit. Don’t undermine this project of independent play by suddenly requiring dogged (and unrealistic) obedience in the matter of chores. One thing at a time.
Meet other moms at the playground and indicate to them that you are interested in visiting with them while the children run and play — avoid spending a lot of time at the swings! Say “I’ll give you some pushes but then you will need to go off with your friends and I’m going to visit with my friends too! Off you go.”
To avoid worrying about being the mean mom, remember — act, don’t react. When you are about to enter the store or library, stop and give these troublemakers a little pep talk about what you expect. Know that the four-year-old is the lynchpin, for whatever he does, the two-year-old will imitate.
Focus on letting him know that if he misbehaves you will leave the store and go straight home, where he will get a spanking. “You’re my big boy (or girl) and I depend on you for good behavior.”
Tell them that if they shop with you nicely you will get them a treat — tell them what the treat is beforehand and warn them that if they ask for other things they will get nothing. The treat can be animal crackers — nothing fancy! You can indeed open it in the store (the cookie aisle is usually halfway through) and let them start munching. No one cares — actually, they are relieved that your kids are not whining.
Carrot and stick, but all laid out beforehand. “If you ask me for things you will get a spanking when we get home.” Be firm and clear about your expectations. Then sail into the store with great confidence. Don’t forget to enjoy your children.
Plan your trip so that it’s as short as it can be. Build them up to good behavior on outings. Don’t expect to go through the store in that wandering way we sometimes have, spending an hour examining everything. Better to go twice with a detailed list, spending 22 minutes each time, than once, spending an hour but with wailing kids. You’re building habits and you want them to succeed, so make it possible for them to succeed! Don’t push your luck! In and out. “We’re going through this line and then when we get to the car I’ll give you your raisin box. Look at that bunch of balloons! Aren’t they colorful?”
These strategies work for home time as well, when you approach each part of your day as “an outing” that requires a little preparation and forethought. That’s why I have spent so much time here at Like Mother, Like Daughter on meal planning, because when we ourselves are sort of meandering through the day without a plan, astonished at 5 pm that dinner is looming, how can we expect our toddlers to maintain a good attitude?
“Now I have to go into the kitchen and do some work for supper; why don’t you get the duplo out and build a farm?” “I’m putting baby on this blanket so she can look around. You two get your baby dolls and feed them lunch, or line up your trucks over here and have a convoy.” “In a minute I’m going to do the laundry; you two can run outside — here are some pretzel rods to take with you.” (I am a big fan of pretzel rods. They are sturdy and they take a while to eat.)
If you do your meal prep at 10 am (or at least know what you are having and begin thawing/braising/soaking) you will find that things are a lot smoother than if you do it at 4:45… If at 3:30 you sit them down with a little snack for “tea time” things will be calmer than if you suddenly realize all you have to do before supper and they are starving because you also spaced out on a snack. Front-end your own work and leave the afternoons for a more relaxed vibe.
This stage won’t last long and all your efforts will pay off! If these two older ones learn good habits, your work is done. All the others will fall into line, or at least, their training needs will diminish accordingly! By your sixth child, you won’t even remember that toddler days are hard.
By the way, there might be some big-picture elements to attend to for smoother days. How about a fence around your yard (even the part of it that is just outside the back door)? A big sandbox is a great investment. Put unused toys on a high shelf or back in a closet. Pull them out when they have exhausted their play with the others. (This strategy can also help you remove toy clutter permanently — it becomes all very clear which ones are simply not missed.)
See how it goes. Give these thoughts a week of intensive implementation. Plan each day out before you get to it; visualize all the steps you need to line up for each activity. Get ahead of your children. Carve out times for them to play all on their own.
Do your own work without guilt. It’s good for them to discover each other and their own independence!
You’re a good mom!
bits & pieces
- Bitcoin, who understands it. The Morality of Bitcoin by Eric Sammons
- Intruiging: a painting within a Vermeer, discovered
- Planned Parenthood has found a new societal ill to monetize: hormones for gender “transitioning”. “Hormone therapy has become popular as a means of artificially suppressing the sex characteristics of those who feel misaligned with their biological sex.”
- It should be obvious that a person cannot change his sex, but sadly, the protocols to administer dangerous medicines are in place in the US. Read about Kiera Bell’s case in the UK.
from the archives
- First rule of discipline: Act, Don’t React
- A long, meandering post (am I the worst blogger or what) that finally gets to the point about whether spanking is good discipline (well, that part is linked within, but meanwhile I explain why withholding affection is actually cruel).
liturgical living
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