“I’m Bored…”

“Mommy/Daddy, I’m bored!” The dreaded words every parent hates to hear. After uttering this phrase, anticipation arises. The expectation that the parent should come up with something fun to do.

When and why have parents taken upon themselves to be their kid’s personal entertainment centers?

The answer to this question is not simple. Having a busy, occupied kid in the house is easier than dealing with a bored, fussy munchkin. When kids get bored, they don’t really know what to do with themselves. So they have this ability to do everything and nothing at the same time. They get all their toys out and scatter them across the house; get into fights with their siblings; come up with the craziest ideas on how to entertain themselves with disregard to their safety and the laws of physics; suddenly they want to build a fort with all the chairs, pillows and blankets in the house. Guess who is going to clean that mess up?

It is much easier and neater to keep them busy. You know they are quite playing on their iPad, so you can finally take the clothes out of the washer, wash the dishes, or go to the toilet in peace, without being followed by all the kids, cats, and dogs in the household. I get you, and I am not blaming you!

By supplying your kids with a permanent source of entertainment, you think you are making your life easier. Instead, you are making it more demanding and exhausting long term.

It is easier than ever to keep your kid occupied: toys, games, iPads, smartphones, books, art supplies. An endless source of distraction. And here lies the problem.

Focused attention is a muscle that has to be exercised to grow. You might think that the new musical phone your toddler spends their time playing with helps him focus on one thing. But that isn’t true. Your kid isn’t exercising his focused attention. He is distracted and his senses overwhelmed by the music, moving figures, colorful lights.

If you think about it, since the day they are born, kids are in a permanent distraction state. First, the colorful, complex rattles, toys with loud music, videos, books with sounds, later games consoles, iPads, smartphones, and so on. Every toy moves, makes sounds, is colorful, keeping your kid’s eyes glued. I haven’t looked into research on this topic, but I wonder if there is a correlation between the increasing incidence of attention deficit disorders and the wide selection of readily available distractions.

Unless distracted, infants and toddlers are much more fascinated by commonly found items. They are enchanted by the pattern on a cloth napkin. After they carefully examine it, they begin experimenting with it: wave it, mouth it, place it on their face, scrunch it into a ball.

When we see kids having a break in their play, it triggers a pleasant feeling in us. Perhaps it is the anticipation anxiety of the mayhem that we know it’s coming. We feel this urge to find something for them to do. Kids are creatures of habit. They become rapidly accustomed to expect entertainment rather than do what comes naturally — occupying themselves with their surroundings. This is why when a kid gets bored, he doesn’t know how to find something constructive to do. He never had to do it before.

Why do we feel the need to permanently micromanage how our kids spend their time?

The blatant answer is we don’t seem to think that what a baby or a kid does has any value. We look at a baby and think he does nothing. He just spasmodically moves his legs and hands. In reality, babies are fascinated by the moves they make. They are enchanted to observe their little hands and feet. At the same time, they are exercising and gaining more and more control over their gross motor skills.

In the same way, we look at a kid gathering and stacking his cubes, saying that he is building a castle. His construction looks like a mess. But the esthetic aspect, or the lack of it, doesn’t undermine the value of symbolic playing, exercising his fine and gross motor skills, developing his imagination, and so on.

What to do instead?

Minimize distraction. Put the mountains of toys into bins and leave on their shelves only a few options. You might think that more toys mean more play opportunities. A kid is easily overwhelmed by making decisions. Actually, this is true for grown-ups as well. The greater the range of possibilities, the harder we make a decision. Leaving your kids with enough options to choose from, but not so many they get overwhelmed is setting them for success.

Periodically switch up the toys available. They will be as happy and excited to play with them as the day they got them.

Make a safe “yes” place. Create a designated area where our kids can play freely. It can be a cot, crate, play tent. The space to play should grow with your child. Childproof it by taking out all potentially dangerous things, including small toys. Put the toys at their level. Take out the fancy carpet on the floor and replace it with something easily washable. Take off the walls the things they can reach. Now let them play their little hearts out there! Of course, keep an eye on them or join them in their world if you like. The main idea is to create a safe space, without many distractions, where they can play freely, without the need for you to micromanage their every move.

Observe, but don’t interrupt. I love to see kids sooo busy playing. I relish seeing them talk to themselves and being so serious you might think they are preparing for the next NASA space project. Please resist the urge to ask them “What are doing there?” or ”That seems such fun!” Don’t interrupt! Soak at the moment, take a book or your coffee and sit down minding your own business. Play is children’s work. So don’t break their focused attention.

Let them choose their activity. Naturally, your kid will be much more interested in what they choose to do than the fancy cognitive challenging games you bought at the store. You got good intentions. I understand that you want to provide your kid a stimulating and engaging environment, and is nothing wrong with that. The fact is everything that surrounds your kid is new, exciting, and cognitively challenging to your kid. Let him explore it at will. Of course, you can buy him puzzles and games and teach him how to play with them. Just don’t think you have to do this thing all the time.

In conclusion…

Next time your kid complains that he is bored, tell him “I know. I am sure you can find something fun to do.” Direct their attention to their designated yes space. “Look through your toys. Something will pique your interest!” Perhaps he will wine a little. He will aimlessly walk through the house for a moment. Ultimately, he will find something to do. I am sure of that.

Manage your urge to jump in and fix the problem for your kids. I am a loving person, and my love language is acts of service. I could easily be appointed the president of helicopter mothers. Yet, I stop myself. This urge is about your need to be in control of your surroundings and your emotions. Let your kid discover what he wants and needs for himself.

Boredom is a passing feeling on the way to initiative, creativity, problem-solving, imagination. Don’t stand in the way of that. Boredom is not a problem, it’s an opportunity!

Until next time!

TD

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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